Trunk or Treat

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Originally uploaded by Kimmy Crack Corn

A Power Ranger and a Fairy Princess racked up the candy tonight at a local church's trunk or treat fest. While the FP stuffed her face with candy, the PR demanded to know the names of all the cool stuff in his bag ...

"A Baby Ruth! WOW! Some Starburst! Holy cow! M&Ms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We don't give him a lot of candy, poor thing. He never knew there was anything besides M&Ms. At one point during the night, he turned to Annie and said, "Don't be eating all that candy or you'll rot out your teeth." As she stuffed a Butterfinger in.

7 Things ...

about me ...
1. When I was 11, I moved into my closet with nothing but a mirror, a sleeping bag, a jambox, and some Reba McEntire cassette tapes.

2. I like to eat the half-popped kernels at the bottom of the bag of popcorn.

3. I got in the top ten at the 1995 Mississippi Junior Miss. It's not a pageant; it's a scholarship program.

4. I have a minor in piano performance. My first piano professor in college broke a pencil over my fingers. "Inadvertently."

5. I am obsessed with CNN & NPR.

6. I keep a red pen handy when I read books. If I find an error, I mark it using a proofreader's code, and then I send a letter to the publishing company. I also diagram the sentence and put that in the envelope as well.

7. I once sued Northwest Airlines for the demolition of my Medela Pump-n-Style breast pump. I lost, but the judge CLEARLY liked me, as evidenced by his meanness to both the corporate attorney AND the flight attendent witness. You can also read about it here and here.

Sorry guys, but I'm tagging you: Heather, Cindy, Ashley, Carrie, Kellymac, Andy, and Judy. And just because I know some of your won't participate, I'm tagging some additional people just for funsies: Amy in Austin, Carrie in Austin, and Liz in Austin.

By the way, those are most of the blogs I read, plus Melany, who tagged me.

Presidential!!!!!

His four-year old school portraits. I had to spend $50 just to get three pages of photos, so y'all need to ooh and ahh a bit.

Look at him sitting there so senatorial-like. Luckily, you can't see the dirt under his fingernails.

And here is his class full of girls. There's one other sporadic boy attendee, but John likes Miranda the best (far right).

And tonight he carved a pumpkin in his underwear and favorite t-shirt.

Because who can keep their pants on when there are Ironman briefs to show off?

The end result: Even our Jack-o-Lantern has a crooked nose. Must run in the family, huh Bruce?

Happy Hump Day!

Family Night Out

Last night we couldn't find a babysitter, so we just took him with us because Mama HAD to get out of the house, and y'all know the rest about if Mama ain't happy ...

We ALL had a blast ... went downtown, ate some great Turkish food, listened to some music, and built silverware/tabasco sauce towers through which to fly paper airplanes made out of a folded-up menu.

Y'all call us if you ever need any fun ideas.

Or outfits.

Fall Photos

Earlier this week, my beloved next-door neighbor and I attempted to take our children to a pretty lake for some lovely fall photos with a blue sky, clouds, and autumn leaves in the background. Here is what really happened.

First, we were just walking and all was well for a wonderful 4 minutes. We found a nice spot for a few shots and actually got some that aren't bad:

Then we heard a lawnmower start up, and the two adults present practiced their sprinting skills, abandoning one child right.beside.the.lake, and bounding toward the other, who had turned the key on a large piece of wheeled equipment with sharp blades. The guilty party was plucked off, and lots of crying and apologies followed. The apologies continued on into the night. I think he was afraid I might forever ban all lawnmower sitting, which is a huge pasttime (especially during visits to Lowe's or Home Depot).

Next we found another good photo opp spot, but neither child would cooperate.

After that, one child ended up in the brush and the other on top of a gravel heap.

Finally, we left the park and went home to take birth control pills and valium.

The End.

ION ...

Today, JEB got a flu shot and has limped about pathetically for nearly 12 hours now. I am continually amazed at how much/often a four-year old cries. I guess I thought that kids just magically stopped crying EVERYDAY.FOR.LONG.PERIODS.OF.TIME after a few years.

When we pulled his pants down in the examination room I discovered that OOPS! upon dressing himself this morning he forgot underwear. The people at the doctor's office are so forgiving. Last time we were the star attraction because of the permanent dirt on his knees (which neither alcohol nor acetate would remove and four nurses came in to gawk at). Now we're going commando on (pre)school days. What in the world will we do with this child when he's 14?

Y'all: It's only 10 years away!!!!

Breathe.

We came away with a pink lemonade dum-dum sucker and a lot of questions about the flu, the elevator, and pink lemons. What's the flu? Why do I get a flu shot to NOT give me the flu? Why does the elevator only have 3 buttons and carpet and a mirror? How do you make lemonade pink and put it on a stick?

TGIF!!!

Hopefully I'll come away from this weekend with my sanity, a pumpkin, and a not-crying four-year old.

Pray.

For whatever.

Don't bother praying for me to have patience.

That's hopeless.

Maybe just humor.

YES! I like the sound of that.

Happy weekend.

BREAKING NEWS

This just in ...

The director of The Goose's swim school has just offered us 3 private lessons for the price of the group lessons in an effort to catch him up to his peers. It's been a harrowing few weeks at swim school, and no one is pleased with his progress. We're all hoping this effort will help alleviate some of his, um, challenges.


So, being paragons of good parenting, we're gonna infuriate him by sending him to MORE swim lessons! I'll keep you posted as I know you're all standing by anxiously awaiting news on this front. I fear that my dreams of Olympic gold are fading, but at least we still have the political aspirations!

JB for VP!

School Picture Day!

The top half looks good ... the bottom half ... not so much.

He chose to wear this chambray shirt with the yellow dinosaur tie (thanks Macy!), a new pair of "slim" bluejeans (thanks Nanny!), a black braided leather belt, and a pair of navy and green rain galoshes.

In other news ...

I gave in and am letting him use the portable DVD player in the house. Desperate times call for, well, you know.

And finally ... to leave you with a smile:

Just call me "The Delegator"

From my babycenter.com weekly update regarding household chores and age-level abilities:

At 2, your child should be able to:

• Place dirty clothes in a hamper
• Put a dirty diaper in the bin
• Pick up toys after playing with them
• Place napkins on the table
• Sort lights and darks for the laundry

At 3, your child should be able to:

• Sort socks by color or possibly match them
• Water a plant
• Feed a pet
• Clean up her own spills
• Get her own simple snack ready
• Remove her own dish from the table
• Help wash a car

At 4, your child should be able to:

• Set plates, forks, and napkins on the table
• Remove silverware from the dishwasher
• Fold towels
• Dust
• Help make her bed (smooth out bedspread neatly)
• Remove wet towels from the floor
• Pour milk
• Help with food preparation
• Sweep with a child-size broom

SWEET!

Or should I say, "SWEEP!"

Have we no shame?

Don't worry, this is not political.

I just returned from the bathroom in the building where my office is. It's the library building--one of the busiest buildings on campus. And there was a student in there talking on her cell phone. She wasn't even using it (as our Delta kids used to say); rather, she was pacing back and forth in front of all the stalls apologizing profusely about some incident with her landlord.

Now I have been known to talk on the phone in the bathroom in the privacy of my own home where background noise can be somewhat controlled, but THIS? This is just too much.

I lost track of the conversation while the toilet was flushing, but it seems she's in a bit of a mess with a bounced check, and I do wish her well. But most of all I wish her some better phone etiquette.

Isn't that somehow a violation of my privacy?

I mean, it's not really that I care that much about privacy, given that I live with a four year old who wants to know all the details of all things bathroom-related and will fight to discover them either first- or second-hand. But here's the thing: If little boys are disallowed in the women's locker room at the rec center--which is quite an inconvenience to me--then I think cell phone talking should be banned in public bathrooms even if it is an inconvenience to some.

I know that that is a logical fallacy, and I don't care.

What is the world coming to?

Maybe we'll find out tonight at the debate.

Spidey Boy

Our weekend was relatively uneventful, but I feel the need to share ridiculously mundane details fo my everyday life, so here goes ...

Saturday we had an agonizing swim lesson (complete with the coach's warning that he can't come back if he screams the whole time next week). This was particularly hard for Mama, who is banished to the stands to watch from afar. I can't ever really see what's going on, but I can hear it all. I felt like my Olympic dreams were being dashed. Coach Margaret says that if he does better next week then he can have two suckers. She thinks bribery works, but little does she know about the severe stubborn streak of this child. She even said, "It's not that he's scared; I think it's just that it's not his idea."

Really? You think? I wouldn't know anything about that.

After the dream-dashing lesson, we went to a festival across the street from the indoor sports complex. Besides spending $20 on a bunch of things that are all now gone (face paint, chicken on a stick, popsicles, balloons, etc.), not much else happened.

I spent the remainder of the weekend moping around and feeling sorry for myself because I STILL do not have Brian on the weekends. We ditched the park ranger thing (in large part) because of the schedule, but now there are other things which occupy his time. Don't get me wrong ... they're all GOOD things which I understand and support, but it doesn't stop me from pouting and angrily folding laundry.

Booooring.

All I am is boring these days.

Today we did manage to take a bike ride with the whole fam, which briefly and beautifully interrupted my pity party. It was during this time that a funny statement was made by Husband, who said, as we biked to Target -- me just biking regular-like, and he pulling the hitchhiker:

"It feels like I'm riding with a flat tire and one lung."

Fun! Don't you want one for the back of your bike? Yeah! It's really great ... you just put your 40-pound flailing monster on and attempt to actually make it somewhere without anyone having a temper tantrum. Yes, indeed. That is fun stuff.

Good night.

Lean, Mean 75th Percentile, Swimming, Political Machine

I have forgotten to post that we had a good four-year checkup and that we are GROWING (despite the inhalation of steroids twice/day). He is now up to my belly-button and proud of it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Swimmer.

As in, the next Michael Phelps.

Can't you just see him tearing through the chlorine?

Announcer: "The American, John-John, has now double lapped all of the other competitors and doesn't seem to be slowing down at all! He's unstoppable!"

And me watching from the stands, nervously biting at my cuticles and popping valium leftover from my second round of laser eye surgery.

Of course, this swimming thing ... it's only if the whole presidential thing doesn't work out.

Or hey! How about Vice President! That might be a better option! In fact, he could possibly even be qualified NOW for that position!

Katie Couric: Mr. John-John, in light of the current economic disaster going on in this country, what experience do you have in banking, corporate lending, or investments that might guide you in your position as Vice President?

John-John: My mom and dad and me, we can actually SEE a bank from our house.

Katie: But Mr. John-John, what direct financial experience can you bring to the table as a Vice Presidential candidate?

John-John: Really! We can SEE the bank from our house, and sometimes I go in there with my mom to make deposits, and we drive past there EVERY DAY, and I wave at the security guard when he's standing outside!

See? Four years old, 75th percentile, and we already have two very good career possibilities.