1,576,800 Minutes of The Goose

Dear John,

Happy 3rd Birthday Buddyboo! Blow out your candles and then—since I’m completely self-centered—congratulate me. It’s now the fall of my SENIOR YEAR at the University of Parenthood (UoP), and you are, of course, my best (and only) professor. Although I’m undecided about my major, I’ve ruled out Early Childhood Education given my current test scores as well as self-evaluations of my own strengths and weaknesses as based on my internship/work-study in the field of Raising You.

And speaking of strengths and weaknesses …

I’m still not sure which category you actually fall under. Or even which one is positive in that context.

There are many times when you are a weakness for me. I cannot refuse you “appa juice” even at midnight. If you liked coffee I would probably give you that too whenever you asked for it. I feel perfectly comfortable disciplining you but if I see anyone else doing it (like that guy called Your Dad), I have this sudden urge to run to your side, arms open, in case a hug (or an excuse for bad behavior) is in order. I cannot say no to a back scratch session. I cannot say no to a request for $2.50 gourmet popsicles. Especially not the “chockit chip” kind. Indeed, sometimes I must say YES because I can so easily put myself in your shoes (a child’s shoes) and feel how good it is to hear that simple word, “Yes.”

Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

And then there are times (days) when I feel like all I say is NO. And on those days you often scream yourself hoarse. And I alternately congratulate myself on being strict and consistent and beat myself up for having too-high expectations and wanting immediate gratification. Every time I invoke some disciplinary procedure, I expect to see instantaneous results. I always forget that discipline is about teaching, and since I am a teacher, I should know at least a little bit about how content must be recycled many times before it takes root. Nevertheless, I often feel like the government needs to require mandatory parental testing so that I can be officially assessed on my maternal skills. I have a weakness for quantifiable data.

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

~George Bernard Shaw

But for as many times as you are a weakness, there are twice as many occasions in which I find my strength in you. For example, one day I asked you if you made anything at your “new school day.” You looked at me and smiled and said, “Yeah! I made … I made … um FRIENDS!!!” And then I realized the big ocean’s worth of difference between my worldview and yours. I always want something concrete … you know, like I was expecting you to tell me about some papier mâché frog, or two painted hand prints with a sappy poem on the top, or something indiscernible made out of pipe cleaners and construction paper, or perhaps some actual POOP in the potty rather than just the word. But as we all know, material things (quantifiable stuff) should not matter in this world. Qualitative stuff, on the other hand, matters immensely, and so I may need you, from time to time, to strengthen my focus on quality, rather than quantity.

Your dinnertime ritual is another “you = strength” example. No matter how stressed out I am as we sit down to a lovely, low-fat, delicious family meal at dinnertime, you can always bring me down to earth by starting out the blessing with, “Thank you for Mama.” It’s like my own personal injection of pure happiness, every night.

The guys (and gals) who fear becoming fathers (and mothers) don't understand that fathering (and mothering) is not something perfect men (or women) do, but something that perfects the man (or woman). The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.

~Frank Pittman, Man Enough (parenthetical notes added without permission by the blog author)

One final “you = strength” example (not that there aren’t more, it’s just that I’m fast approaching the end of your official birthday, and to me, that’s like a due date for this “paper” I’m writing) is that you inspire me to become involved in many extra-curricular activities here at the UoP. I’m active on all sorts of playground committees. I’m the secretary of the People for the Prompt Removal of Shirt Stains, and I’ve served as Chair of the General Clean-Up Committee now for approximately 156 weeks. Just last month I was elected Most Likely to Eventually Be Declared Unfit/Insane. I’m popular, as you can tell.

Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids.

~Sam Levenson

But YOU, my dear, YOU are popular beyond belief. You really are a little John-John. I can’t tell you how many people have looked at you or a photo of you (even @ 12 months!) and said that you look like either a senator or a future president (even though that seems a little off having just posted a picture of you as Superunderwearman). And so in light of your obvious political potential, I’ve been planning accordingly and thinking about how you have such a great presidential name: President John Becker. Imagine!

“President Becker is enjoying high approval ratings
this month due to his involvement in programs aimed at the simultaneous eradication of all poverty, pollution, illiteracy, and disease throughout the
world.”

I’d make a great First Mother. I can smile and wave and be on committees and say “thank you” when people compliment my son and get angry and defensive when they criticize him. I think I’d be much better at that than I am at being a “real” mother. It just seems so much easier when compared to those little everyday decisions such as when to punish, how to punish, etc.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

~Bill Cosby

And one more important point to make about my potential as a First Mother … there are actually scientific ways to gather information about presidential campaigns and terms – Gallup polls!

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother.

~Rose Kennedy

Wow. I have to say, Bud, I have high aspirations for you, but I am no Rose Kennedy. When you were a newborn baby, I never once thought about “eternity” … I was mostly just worried about getting you from one meal to the next, wishing my boobs were see-through and labeled like a measuring cup, finding time to sleep, and counting poops. But Rose, YOU GO GIRL.

Seriously, John-John, I can truly say that being your mom has been the best education of my life. I’ve learned so much about you, your dad, and myself. The good and the bad. I was never truly faced with my faults until I faced motherhood. And now it’s like I spend every day (off and on) looking through the Hubble telescope at my horrid, magnified maternal blunders.

"Having a child, loving a child deeply in a daily way, forces you to connect with your mortality, forces you to dig into places that you have rarely had to confront before. What I found way down deeply...having a child is a kind of eternity, a capacity for -- and reserves of -- love and sacrifice that blew my mind. But I also found the stuff inside of me that is pretty miserable. I was brought face-to-face with a fun-house mirror of all the grasping, cowardly, manipulative, greedy parts of me, too."

~Anne Lamott

Yeah.

So back to happy thoughts … Again, happy birthday Silly Goose. Today we woke you up early from your nap, dragged you to the car and then to the movie theater, forced you to sit through half of “Ratatouille” by bribing you with a strawberry milkshake, and then, when your behavior worsened, threatened you with “leaving.” You heard the word “leaving,” perked up, and said, “I’ve got an idea! Let’s go to a paygound!”

You do have some good ideas doodle bug. And I hope I get to watch you figure out how to implement them all.

Big hugs and nose kisses,

Mama

Zero:

One:

Two:

Three!