Sunday, November 28, 2010

Beatin' the pants off a monkey in checkers.

Two days ago I had been in the house for an entire day with the children and suddenly realized that evacuation was necessary.  I went to Walgreens because I love Walgreens.  They have one of those Shiatsu massager chairs in the pharmacy waiting area.  But as I was walking in, I noticed a bumper sticker, and y'all know how I am about bumper stickers.  This one just said "Ole Miss," and there was a blonde woman and her pre-teenish daughter exiting the minivan.

I went in, sat in the massage chair for awhile, picked out some sunglasses and hair dye, you know, the usual stuff.  And then I went to check out and got behind the Ole Miss mother/daughter duo.  They had an entire buggy full of toys and soft drinks and all manner of other unnecessary crap and at least one coupon to match every item. 

Up to that point in my life (two days ago), I had no idea that Ole Miss people bothered to clip coupons.   I mean, c'mon. These are people who tailgate in a place called The Grove.  They unpack their wine and cheese and display it on tables with flower arrangements whose colors denote the two rival teams.  Picture maroon & white crysanthemums vs. red & blue carnations in a white basket with a large golden egg extending from its abdomen. 

Anyway, back to Walgreens ... so, I notice that they are buying this really cute stuffed animal thingy that has wreaked such havoc on the cash register that a manager has become involved.  The blonde woman is talking to her daughter about how if it weren't such a great deal, she'd just leave.  They are both wearing floral-print mini-dresses and knee-high boots.  Probably on their way to a game.

Intrigued, I ask about the item in question.

"It's a Webkinz pet," she replies.  "It's a fabulous deal."

"What's a Webkinz pet?"  I ask.

"Webkinz are pets that have online lives that kids can participate in.  They have to feed them and provide all their necessities," she tells me.

"Oh!  That sounds fun, but does the child have to be able to read to participate in this online world of pet care?" I ask.  "Do they need lots of parental assistance?"

I can't commit to anything else at this time in my life.

"No," she says, "my five-year-old LOVES his!"

I am all over this.  John-John has been wanting a pet, so this is purr-fect.

Except the only thing left was a brown shaggy dog. 

The reason I know is because I left the checkout line to go get it.

$5.

So I bring home this dog thinking that this is going to be a pick-him-up gift for after Chris leaves.  In fact, I hid it in the car so that I could give it to him AFTER Chris's visit.  But of course he found it while he was in there searching for his missing remote control tarantula.

He totally freaked out and instantly named it Russell.

We immediately sat down and logged in and set up a username and password, and we did a video tutorial of the website.  I was really hoping that this was not something that needed my constant attention because I already have something like that called Sam W. B.

And of course to my horror, everything requires reading and I should've known that blonde Ole Miss girl was lying through her bleached-white teeth.

So I sat there for a solid hour trying to figure out what he could do that would not require my assistance.  (Sam W. B. was napping at the time.)  Finally finally we figured out together how to feed the pet and walk the pet, play games, and buy/sell necessary items (like a queen-size, pirate-theme bed).  It's a very in-depth website and even includes an employment office where you can get a job to earn money to pay for your pet's food ... you can also earn money by playing games, but once you earn enough math or language or science points, you can get a job in whatever field you're excelling in.  John's on his way to being an account, btw.

But all the kid wants to do is play checkers. 

Which is interesting since he is named after Pappaw.

He played checkers for an hour this morning while Brian lesson planned and I dealt with Ear-Infection Baby. 

And then came the quote that made my $5 well spent:

"Mom!  You have GOT to come see this! Russell just beat the pants off a monkey in checkers!"

Love me some John-John.

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