Post-Vacation Mischief

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Well I was all set to write about The Goose’s most recent vacations (Paternal Family Reunion to Lake Geneva in Wisconsin (sans Mama), and Maternal Family Trip to Orange Beach, Alabama) but then – just a few hours ago actually – we went to OPEN HOUSE @ JEB’s School. And y’all: I barely made it outta there.

See, here’s the thing … I had spent the last two weeks feeling all proud and uppity about the fact that the biting stage was over and the “peas” and “tankoo” stage had begun. I had been wondering if it was on account good genes, good nursing, or just good parenting skills in general. And then there was OPEN HOUSE @ JEB’s School.

The best way to describe what happened (besides picturing me with my head hung down in shame halfway into a plate of spinach dip) is to imagine a kitten in that state of weird, unexplained energy bursts which makes it run around in circles, clawing at things, and hiding behind couches for the sheer purpose of listening to you scream when it lunges and bites at your ankles or climbs up your pantsleg. Alternately, you could imagine a person with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder getting the Holy Ghost at a tent revival in Kentucky. Those types of situations are probably the closest Earth Events which could give you some idea of what it was like at OPEN HOUSE @ JEB’s School.

As the Academic Director was explaining the subtle nuances of Einstein’s Label Everything Theory, I was kicked back in a metal folding chair sipping lemonade with a coupla The Goose’s buddies' parents, trying to pretend like I was really interested in this whole idea that putting his name on everything really makes him safer. I had just distracted him from The Car Closet and had convinced him to go shake hands with people (a new favorite pastime for a budding politician), when I heard, “No, no, no, be GENTLE!” And then I saw a much smaller version of the Toddler Species flying backward towards the floor while The Goose, arms extended in front of his chest (post-push), looked on in sheer amazement that yes, his little experiment had indeed indicated that an object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by Another Force.

That’s when I hung my head down and got half of my Former Bangs in some Sam’s Club spinach dip. After I wiped out the spinach, I put him in Time Out in the corner by the garbage cans.

Usually, after two minutes of “sit still and think” time (the rule, for those who are interested, is approximately one minute for each year of life) , I explain the offense and ask him to apologize and try again to do better. This typically elicits an “I sorry” followed by a big hug and kiss. So as soon as I put him in Time Out tonight he started saying, “Hug. HUG. HUG!!!” and smacking his lips in between, “I sorry! BANKY!” and “UP!!!” I had to turn around so he wouldn’t see me laughing. It’s like I cannot even believe how many words, phrases, clauses he knows and how much he understands. How much he soaks in. It’s scary. And hilarious.

After the Newton's Laws of Toddler Gravity Experiment there was the “PINK APPLE JUICE” (Lemonade) Episode, the “MY Dino” Incident, and the “COOKIE PEAS!” Urgent Request Period. We got outta there with nothing but a Child’s Information Sheet and a styrofoam cup full of ice. At one point during the event, the Assistant Academic Director came over to offer us a napkin and to ask if I might be interested in signing him up for more than two days a week and. I’m not sure if it was a comment about my parenting skills, an attempt to make more money, or a reference to The Goose’s inability to function in large groups. Probably it was (D) all of the above, but it felt like the jury was back with a verdict of GUILTY in the trial of The State of Goodparenting versus Me.

So for now, I’ve forgotten about the vacations even though at least one of them was just, like, YESTERDAY and am wrestling with the following existential dilemma: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

Lucky for you though, I can remember a few snippets about the vacations. First, The Goose slept in a Big Boy Bed for both trips. Second, he quintupled his vocabulary. Third, he won over both sets of grandparents for the 1,465th time (each). Specifically, I would like to highlight what I consider to be the top two events of both trips (please remember that for one trip I was not present and that I am, in general, highly biased):

• On the plane on the way home from the Family Reunion trip, The Dad was explaining how they were about to “go see mama” and Goose said, “Yay Mama!!!!!!!!!” and clapped – to the amusement of all the other Midwest Express passengers.
• The Goose referred to our room in Orange Beach as “The Congo” – really it was a condo, but as I’ve documented before, we still need work on certain segmental phonemes.

Like poop through the drain in the kiddie pool, these are the days of our lives.

Click HERE for pictures of The Maternal Beach Trip and HERE for The Paternal Family Reunion.