Part 1: The thing about hypnobirthing.

Actually, several things. First of all, if you're planning to train yourself with CDs to be hypnotized, then you should probably take those CDs with you to the hospital. Or at least put them on your Ipod and take that with you to the hospital (if you HAVE an Ipod). All those recorded "suggestions" can't really help you sitting in a bag by your bed at home. Not that I have experience in this area ... it just makes good sense.

Now, before I go on, I want to just give a shout out to my friend, who allowed me to borrow her entire Hypnobabies birthing course (book, CDs, scripts, etc.) because I was too cheap to buy the home course or attend a real one. I appreciate her willingness to loan this product as I'm sure it was very expensive. And I know it was worthwhile to her -- goddess that she is -- having helped her to suffer through 37 hours of labor (can that be right --correct me if I'm wrong) without nary an IV even for fluids much less pain meds or an epidural. Please, dear reader, pause a moment in honor of that information.

Second of all, a shout out to Kerry Tuschoff , founder of Hypnobabies. Anyone who can continue to make money from a program that attempts to convince women that contractions feel like a big hug from their uterus (or a pressure wave) deserves to at least be talked about, if not appreciated. Whatever drugs she's on, may they last her entire life and may she never suffer withdrawals or be required to attend rehab.

Almost as ingenious as Julie Aigner Clark.

While others are spending their time of late being enraged by the bonuses on Wall Street, I am channeling my anger toward these two women who have made lots of money convincing women of gross untruths.

Third of all, let me say that twice now I have birthed naturally and I know what you're thinking: Something about me trying to be superwoman. Puh-leeze. Here's the long and short of it: I am scared to death of a needle in my back. It's sort of like my dentaphobia ... not at all rational and maybe just a titch going the other way. Let it go down in history that if I EVER get pregnant again (accidentally, of course), there will be an executive order to penetrate my spine on or after six centimeters of cervical dilation.

In fact, do not even get me started on IVs, which caused this damage to my arm, and is not even where the IV ended up, and was the thing I complained about most up until transition.

If they can do THIS to my arm, heaven only knows what damage could be done to my spine.

Finally, whoever said that second labors are faster and easier can rot. That may be true for the masses, but obviously, we don't fit the mold.

And so begins the story of Sam's birth.

Stay tuned ...